Well, hide me under a rock!

I am embarrassed to say that I was ashamed.  I am ashamed to say that I was embarrassed.  Anyway, this whole thing was pretty awful.  I have always prided myself in being a good mother.  I put everything I had into being a good mother.  I never, ever thought I was perfect, but I did always think I was pretty good at it.  This whole dilemma cracked my foundation. 

I was a social worker for 12 years.  I majored in social work in college. I tried to practice my profession everyday, even when I was not a social worker by profession any longer.  I worked hard to promote honesty an openness in my family.  I encouraged my daughter to share with me.  I talked openly about life's issues, and I encouraged my daughter to do the same.  I strongly encouraged her to talk to me about her relationships.  I asked her lots of questions, and now I know that I only got the answers that she wanted to share.  And, I only got her version of the truth, which was not always the truth.

I was not an unrealistic mother.  When the subject of pregnancy came up with my friends, I was always the one who said, "I would never say never..."  But, honestly, I didn't believe that.  I should have believed it.

I was proud of her and I let everyone know that. I had a lot to be proud of, and I was proud of all of it.  I was resting on my laurels....this single-parenting thing was stressful and challenging, but we were making it....heck, I could even be the role-model for single-parents.  Things were good....

Then things were bad.  Very, very bad. 

I was so sad and so ashamed, and so very mad at myself.  I hid in my house for two solid months.  I went to work and came home.  I avoided the public.  I did not want to be with anyone who was leading a normal life.

I fluctuated between shock, anger, and the most intense panic I had ever experienced in my life. 

But most of all I was ashamed.  So very ashamed.

But, I loved my daughter more than I ever had in my whole life.  This much I had known my whole life, and I knew it more than ever at this point in time.  This life-altering, unbelievable, and yes, shameful thing was happening to my daughter - the absolute most important person in my life.