Okay God...let's talk about this.

My daughter called her pediatrician, made an appointment with an OB/GYN and went to the doctor on her own, with the baby daddy - after she had taken five.  Yes five, positive home pregnancy tests.  She went to the doctor, and got her first ultrasound, and waited a whole day before she told me.  If you know her, you know that this act in itself must have been very difficult for her.  And, it was the first act of true dependence and maturity that she showed.  It took me awhile to recognize it, but it is true, she started to grow up the minute that first test came back positive.

The idea of having the pregnancy put under the rug was not a very good idea - or very practical.  The school nurse was told the very first day when I had to pull my daughter out of class to contact the doctor - so that I could talk to to the doctor.  The swim coach was also told, even though, way deep down in his heart, I think he already knew.    I guess I had never imagined all of the decisions that had to be made.  I had never thought about doing this before....

And then there was the matter of my relationship with God.  God and I were in a dilemma.  I was pretty mad at Him for putting my family in this situation, and I imagined that he was pretty mad at us for doing the same.  I also thought that the abortion idea was probably making Him pretty angry with me.  I had some repenting to do, but I was not sure if I was ready for that yet, as I was still thinking that the whole thing could have been prevented if He would just have done things differently.   Silly me.  Silly, silly me.

But something kept coming to me. Even in the middle of the night.  It is my "Safety Song."  A psalm.

 "Surely it is God who saves me.  I will trust in Him and not be afraid - for the Lord is my Stronghold and my sure defense and He will be my Savior."

 I have come back to this song for most of my life....on the subway in Moscow when we were being threatened, when my Dad lay dying in Washington DC, and now, when my world was coming apart (or so I thought).  I came to the conclusion that I had let go of my Stronghold....and I grabbed it again.

I could not do this without God.  We could not do this without God. 

Yes, after a full week of pouting,  I took the I out of this and put the WE back in.  If WE were going to get through this, WE were going to do this together, as we always had.  I had put my daughter at the end of my arm for a short time, but it was time to embrace her and whatever was to come.