Not on My Shift

I am a planner.  I plan everything.  I am not good at being spontaneous.  I want to know what is coming and how I am going to get there.  I am the type of mother who has complete calendars in excel that outline every day of my child's life for months at a time.  I wanted to know where we were going, what time we needed to be there, and what we were going to do when we got there. I had her sports calendars scheduled to the point of printing out maps to each location, or pre-setting the GPS.  I calculate time and work to maintain organization.  I want to be in control.

 I want everyone reading this to know that I did not have this pregnancy on my calendar. 

Did I mention that I am not good at being spontaneous? 

The very first thing that I said when my child presented me with the six week ultrasound picture that she had obtained the day prior and announced, "it's an ultrasound picture.....I am pregnant" is "I cannot do this."  Seriously, that is the very first thing I said, and I said it more than once.  In fact, I think I said it about 15 times in a row before I could say anything else. 

For the first time ever I felt like I was in over my head.  For the first time in my whole life, I truly felt like life had handed me something that I could not handle.  And, mind you, even though my life had been fairly normal up until this moment in time, I had gone through my share of adversity.  The adoption process took three full years of paperwork, counseling sessions, an unbelievable stressful overseas trip, and a single-parent adoption.  In the lapse of one year, I adopted a child, bought my first house, and lost my long-term job.  Then, five years later, I lost another job, and five years later, after losing a close co-worker to cancer, and watching one of my best friends lose her daughter to a tragic fire, I lost my father very suddenly....and,  it happened again...I lost my job.  But I did not and still do not see these things as unmanageable.  I was able to take control of these situations and come out a better person despite of them. 

I could not get control of this pregnancy and coming out a better person at the end was not something I could see.

 For goodness sake, I am a Project Manager all day, every day, and I did not get to manage this....I was so angry.  Anger was a new thing for me, but I was angry.  Very angry.