Now, I can write again.

The last years have brought so much pain mixed with joy that I could not write.  Really some days I had to remind myself to breathe. But I am back.  Life is such a rollercoaster of events that I can hardly keep up with myself, but I have my voice back.  And with my voice comes the greatest excitement for life that I have ever experienced.  2014.  Love.  Light.  And the start of my 50^th year.  Bring it on.

My life took a U-turn.  I am now a single grandmother, of a beautiful 2 and ½ year old boy.  He is the light and life of my life.  I am the luckiest person on earth for having this opportunity, but the journey has not been easy.  In fact, it has been the journey of my life.  I have two children, 18 years apart, and both of them have their own needs and both of them need my love and support, equally.  Sometimes, I am not sure if I can contain what is inside of me.  But finding what was inside of me was a journey.  A real journey. 

Anyone who knows me well knows that one of the greater joys that I experience is music.  Not just any music, but beautiful harmonies that explode, especially during Christmas.  I cannot get through a choral selection of anything Christmas without having to stop and just soak it all in.  For me, it is my faith set to music.  It enlightens every part of me.

Last Christmas, the music stopped, and so with it, for just a bit, did my faith.

My daughter made some life decisions that were horrific for her, and unimaginable for her son.  Therefore, I had to make some life decisions that were the most difficult of my life, but the best for both of them.  With a very strong and supportive family by my side, and a lot of wisdom from my missing family member in my heart, I took a hold and took legal, permanent custody of my grandson.  At the time he was a very young 14 months old.  He had been away from me precisely 5 weeks, on and off, and that was more than long enough.  The love of my life, my daughter, was sinking into a deep hole of chemicals and dependence on someone who was controlling and as difficult as this is for me to say, he was and is evil.  The baby was suffering.  At the time that I took emergency custody, she was not even sure where he was.  I received in my arms in the lobby of a Law Enforcement Center, a very confused, very mosquito bitten and sunburned baby with a fever.  He clung to me like no other. It was unfathomable.

She wanted so much to be loved by this man, and to have that family out of a picture book that she went completely under this man’s control.  She stole for him, used chemicals with him and for him, and completed other acts that I can only imagine.  She even turned her greatest gift over to him – her son. Even though he had no rights and no means to support or care for the baby. As independent as she is, she puts that all aside when she is with this man or talks about him.  It is the saddest thing I have ever experienced.  And the saddest thing in my entire life was for me to realize that my love for her was not enough, even though I have no more love to give her….she has it all. 

Her son’s love was not enough either.  As much as she loves her son, and she does love him, she cannot see past the picture in her mind that does not exist.  And the minute, she starts to see a bit of the light, she gets reeled back in.  People tell me that it will take time.  I just hope that it is not too late.  The evil man will always be a part of our lives, but I am here to say that he will not have a part of the making of the man that my Grandson will become.  Not ever.

So, my faith was rocked.  I mean it was literally shaken into tiny granules that almost blew away.  I could not understand how the same God who brought me so much joy 18 years ago when He brought me to my daughter could allow this to happen to my family.  I thought that I took the teenaged pregnancy so gracefully (well somewhat gracefully) that I had experienced enough.  I was mad and not just a little mad.  I was furious!  I remember sitting in church last Christmas and making a promise to God that I would walk away and accept the fact that I could not handle all of this Christianity if he would just perform one last act and put some joy back into my heart.  I know, I know, it does not make sense, but I was not in a place to make sense.  I was willing to walk away from my foundation in order to find my foundation.  I think I found the bottom of the barrel of sadness.  I really do.  When the music stopped….

Just then, something happened to me.  Instead of being sad, I awoke one morning and discovered that I was mad.  Really mad.  Now, some people, including me, attributed this to “that time of life…” but I am here to say that it was about “that time of life….awakening.”  I woke up and realized that the only thing making me so sad was me.  I could choose to be sad when ever I was disappointed with my daughter or I could do what turned out to be healthier, and be angry.  I was mad, really mad, and I still am.  I have come to the conclusion that I did the very best that I could do to provide her with a loving, caring family and home that offered her everything she needed to succeed.  I still provide that for her, if she chooses to take it.  I did not provide a father for her, which I believe she always wanted.  But the right man has not come around yet, and I chose not to pick the wrong man, even when given the opportunity.  I stand by that conviction.  This should have been a life lesson for her, but sadly she did not learn it.

I am mad that my life plan for her is not coming to fruition.  I am mad that she cannot see that she has so much to offer.  I am mad that she always chooses to take the long road when the short road would be easier.  Selfishly and admittedly unrealistically, I am mad because I have lost control.

But, I am not sad.  Not anymore.

 

I have to say that my daughter has come a very long way since the beginning of this epic journey and the light is shining for her in the distance…you can even see it if you squint now. 

During this Christmas season, she texted the one that brings her so much strife, but she did not see him.  This is a big step in the right direction.

She has chosen to put some distance between herself and all that is difficult for her.  This is a big step in the right direction.

She is not using chemicals, and she has not for quite sometime.  This may be the biggest step in the right direction.

She genuinely misses her son when she is not with him.  He lovingly calls her “Mommy” which was not the case for a period of time.  This is a big step in the right direction.

 

And, joyfully I report that she is opening her heart to love me again. 

 

We truly had a magical Christmas this year.  We went to church, the three of us.  I thanked God for lifting me up instead of throwing me down, as I always knew He would.

The music is playing again.  The St. Olaf Choir and all that is John Rutter are back in my living room and in my heart.  And, sometimes, I even sing. 

Sometimes the Light surprises the Christian when she sleeps….

God is good.  Welcome to 2014.