I have a Mild Case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I fear

I am suffering the PSTD.  One year ago my life changed so dramatically that even though I was very aware that I was going through it, I was not able to deal with all of the emotions that went along with it.  It is so very hard to explain, but having your life turn upside down in a matter of a few minutes can drastically alter one's psyche for quite a long time. 

I have tried really hard to take all of this one emotion at a time.  I was sad, then scared, then sad again, then scared, then a bit excited, then resolved, then scared again, then happy, then scared....well you get the picture.  It was not a death, but my life was in critical condition for a bit of time.  And, like in a the situation with a death, marking the one year anniversary is proving to be kind of trying for me.  And, I have to say, that for the first time since this all happened, this may be all about me - and that in itself is kind of altering.

My daughter is trying to replay her normal activities, and capture that "last hurrah" that her Senior Year in high school should bring.  She is back in the pool, getting ready for her first band practice, reading over her schedule and making plans for the year.  EXCEPT, she is also arranging childcare, worrying about missing her son, and finding out that she is never going to be looked at the same again, and things are never going to go back to how they were, and her normal is not going to match any one's normal....and maybe that is alright.  Bless her heart, she is coping.

I am sad.  And I don't know if it is because she is a Senior and inevitably she will grow up and go on, or if it is because I see her struggling to fit into a place that is so different for her now, even though it has not changed....she has.  And, like all parents, I really hate to see her disappointed.  And, she is disappointed right now for reasons that are silly, yet important to her (and therefore to me).  For you see, something that she has dreamed about since 7th grade passed her by and she really feels like she is being punished for her transgressions.  She is too upset to ask questions, but instead she is sad.  And, even though she is grown up and I try so hard to have her fight her own battles, I stepped in, one last time, and I fear that I will be more sad before it is over.  But, it will be better to have her know the truth.   And, it will be better to go on after that....

I am sure that like all of life's issues, I will get through this, and like the actions of the last year, good may even come out of this.  But I do have to say that re-living the nightmare is not all that fun.  The PSTD can take the exit anytime because really, we are doing fine.