Cold, Early Morning Revelations

Last night I woke up at about 3 am to a cold house.  My maternal instincts kicked me and before I knew what I was doing, or even before I woke up, I was in the bedroom covering up my baby…I hope she warmed up. 
Oh… I covered up her baby too.

I have wondered about this moment for the last 16 years - the moment when I would be getting her ready for her senior year of high school.  We would be preparing for a future that would include the “last” of everything high school - the last homecoming game, the last Sadie Hawkins Dance, the last prom, the last band concert, the last high school final and finally…graduation.  And, as I stood in the middle of her bedroom at 3:00 this morning I figured out something…it is here and even though it is very different than I could have ever imagined it to be, it is still here. 

We are still in the midst of planning for a future that will not always include me. 

This life is certainly an adventure and a constant learning experience. My daughter made a very deliberate decision to go out for swimming this fall, then a week later, she made equally as deliberate a decision to quit.  Essentially, she decided that she just did not have fun with it anymore.  And, in the end, it was much harder on me than it was on her, which only proves that it was the right decision.  I still have to work through this new normal....we both do.  I took it hard, but that may be because it was one of the first things that I had to check off of that senior year checklist.....

In the midst of the trauma, yes I said trauma, of re-living the events of one year ago, I was slapped with a real and profound moment while standing in the middle of her bedroom looking over the crib. I could not imagine one minute without that little round-headed, thumb-sucking boy who is an absolute image of his mother.   Therefore, standing in a chilly house at 3 in the morning, I finally gave myself a little break. 

I have a Mild Case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I fear

I am suffering the PSTD.  One year ago my life changed so dramatically that even though I was very aware that I was going through it, I was not able to deal with all of the emotions that went along with it.  It is so very hard to explain, but having your life turn upside down in a matter of a few minutes can drastically alter one's psyche for quite a long time. 

I have tried really hard to take all of this one emotion at a time.  I was sad, then scared, then sad again, then scared, then a bit excited, then resolved, then scared again, then happy, then scared....well you get the picture.  It was not a death, but my life was in critical condition for a bit of time.  And, like in a the situation with a death, marking the one year anniversary is proving to be kind of trying for me.  And, I have to say, that for the first time since this all happened, this may be all about me - and that in itself is kind of altering.

My daughter is trying to replay her normal activities, and capture that "last hurrah" that her Senior Year in high school should bring.  She is back in the pool, getting ready for her first band practice, reading over her schedule and making plans for the year.  EXCEPT, she is also arranging childcare, worrying about missing her son, and finding out that she is never going to be looked at the same again, and things are never going to go back to how they were, and her normal is not going to match any one's normal....and maybe that is alright.  Bless her heart, she is coping.

I am sad.  And I don't know if it is because she is a Senior and inevitably she will grow up and go on, or if it is because I see her struggling to fit into a place that is so different for her now, even though it has not changed....she has.  And, like all parents, I really hate to see her disappointed.  And, she is disappointed right now for reasons that are silly, yet important to her (and therefore to me).  For you see, something that she has dreamed about since 7th grade passed her by and she really feels like she is being punished for her transgressions.  She is too upset to ask questions, but instead she is sad.  And, even though she is grown up and I try so hard to have her fight her own battles, I stepped in, one last time, and I fear that I will be more sad before it is over.  But, it will be better to have her know the truth.   And, it will be better to go on after that....

I am sure that like all of life's issues, I will get through this, and like the actions of the last year, good may even come out of this.  But I do have to say that re-living the nightmare is not all that fun.  The PSTD can take the exit anytime because really, we are doing fine.

Class of 2012....Part One

The times they are a-changing.  What a journey this has proven to be.  And, I don’t know if the fact that we are approaching the one-year anniversary of the dam breaking in our family, or if I am just having issues with the fact that my daughter is becoming an adult, but my anxiety-level is on high right now.  This whole thing is so much more complicated than I ever thought possible….how does one hold on to their dreams, while having to re-write the map to the dreams?  Are they my dreams, or her dreams? How can she accomplish this? How can I help her to accomplish this? Does she want to accomplish this? How does Brady fit into this?  How much do I let go? How much do I hang on?  CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! 

We went to school to sign her up for classes for her senior year, only to discover that she has less than 2 credits left to complete, and she is done.  This calculates to four classes for one quarter.  Or, in her case, 2 classes for one quarter and 2 classes for one semester.  Then she is done with high school. The end – Amen. 

Statistically, she should be behind.   Most teenaged mothers put themselves back at least one semester, and usually one year, in school when they become pregnant prior to their senior year of high school.  Statistically, most teen-aged mothers don’t complete high school and ultimately either obtain a GED or do not finish.  But, if there is one thing that is to be learned from my daughter, it is this….she is not a statistic.  If there is a backwards, up-a-rope and down-a-building, in-a-window and out-a-door-way to accomplish something, she will surely go for it.  Come to find out, all that summer school and her absolute love of Independent Study put her ahead when she was out having a baby. And, the topping of the cupcake…she passed her math MCA while she was actually in labor - only my daughter could accomplish such a feat….

So, what do we do?  WHAT DO WE DO?  Academically she may be ready for high school to be over, but socially, she may not be ready for high school to be over.  And, as I have preached in this blog since the beginning, I WANT HER TO HAVE A SENIOR YEAR. So, she and I have picked it apart and put it back together again….again…and again. 

I gave her the decision about swimming.  For the very first time in her short life, I left it up to her, with the only advice from me being to not leave any regrets out there.  So, after many, many weeks of thinking about it and not thinking about it, and worrying about her body, and her ability to be social with the other girls, and most importantly her time away from Brady… she has decided to TRY swimming.  She is committed to the 1/3 of the season where she can participate and still get her money back if she decides that it is too much time away from her real world.  She is happy with her decision and I am ecstatic…but that is beside the point. 

And as for that time when she is done with her high school credits?  Well, how about a little college?  Yes, she is going to enter the world of a college freshman in January - one semester ahead of her peers.  Yes, I said AHEAD. 

You will not find this life plan outlined in “How to” Books, but who knows, we may be writing our own book…. I am just along for the ride.