Now, I can write again.

The last years have brought so much pain mixed with joy that I could not write.  Really some days I had to remind myself to breathe. But I am back.  Life is such a rollercoaster of events that I can hardly keep up with myself, but I have my voice back.  And with my voice comes the greatest excitement for life that I have ever experienced.  2014.  Love.  Light.  And the start of my 50^th year.  Bring it on.

My life took a U-turn.  I am now a single grandmother, of a beautiful 2 and ½ year old boy.  He is the light and life of my life.  I am the luckiest person on earth for having this opportunity, but the journey has not been easy.  In fact, it has been the journey of my life.  I have two children, 18 years apart, and both of them have their own needs and both of them need my love and support, equally.  Sometimes, I am not sure if I can contain what is inside of me.  But finding what was inside of me was a journey.  A real journey. 

Anyone who knows me well knows that one of the greater joys that I experience is music.  Not just any music, but beautiful harmonies that explode, especially during Christmas.  I cannot get through a choral selection of anything Christmas without having to stop and just soak it all in.  For me, it is my faith set to music.  It enlightens every part of me.

Last Christmas, the music stopped, and so with it, for just a bit, did my faith.

My daughter made some life decisions that were horrific for her, and unimaginable for her son.  Therefore, I had to make some life decisions that were the most difficult of my life, but the best for both of them.  With a very strong and supportive family by my side, and a lot of wisdom from my missing family member in my heart, I took a hold and took legal, permanent custody of my grandson.  At the time he was a very young 14 months old.  He had been away from me precisely 5 weeks, on and off, and that was more than long enough.  The love of my life, my daughter, was sinking into a deep hole of chemicals and dependence on someone who was controlling and as difficult as this is for me to say, he was and is evil.  The baby was suffering.  At the time that I took emergency custody, she was not even sure where he was.  I received in my arms in the lobby of a Law Enforcement Center, a very confused, very mosquito bitten and sunburned baby with a fever.  He clung to me like no other. It was unfathomable.

She wanted so much to be loved by this man, and to have that family out of a picture book that she went completely under this man’s control.  She stole for him, used chemicals with him and for him, and completed other acts that I can only imagine.  She even turned her greatest gift over to him – her son. Even though he had no rights and no means to support or care for the baby. As independent as she is, she puts that all aside when she is with this man or talks about him.  It is the saddest thing I have ever experienced.  And the saddest thing in my entire life was for me to realize that my love for her was not enough, even though I have no more love to give her….she has it all. 

Her son’s love was not enough either.  As much as she loves her son, and she does love him, she cannot see past the picture in her mind that does not exist.  And the minute, she starts to see a bit of the light, she gets reeled back in.  People tell me that it will take time.  I just hope that it is not too late.  The evil man will always be a part of our lives, but I am here to say that he will not have a part of the making of the man that my Grandson will become.  Not ever.

So, my faith was rocked.  I mean it was literally shaken into tiny granules that almost blew away.  I could not understand how the same God who brought me so much joy 18 years ago when He brought me to my daughter could allow this to happen to my family.  I thought that I took the teenaged pregnancy so gracefully (well somewhat gracefully) that I had experienced enough.  I was mad and not just a little mad.  I was furious!  I remember sitting in church last Christmas and making a promise to God that I would walk away and accept the fact that I could not handle all of this Christianity if he would just perform one last act and put some joy back into my heart.  I know, I know, it does not make sense, but I was not in a place to make sense.  I was willing to walk away from my foundation in order to find my foundation.  I think I found the bottom of the barrel of sadness.  I really do.  When the music stopped….

Just then, something happened to me.  Instead of being sad, I awoke one morning and discovered that I was mad.  Really mad.  Now, some people, including me, attributed this to “that time of life…” but I am here to say that it was about “that time of life….awakening.”  I woke up and realized that the only thing making me so sad was me.  I could choose to be sad when ever I was disappointed with my daughter or I could do what turned out to be healthier, and be angry.  I was mad, really mad, and I still am.  I have come to the conclusion that I did the very best that I could do to provide her with a loving, caring family and home that offered her everything she needed to succeed.  I still provide that for her, if she chooses to take it.  I did not provide a father for her, which I believe she always wanted.  But the right man has not come around yet, and I chose not to pick the wrong man, even when given the opportunity.  I stand by that conviction.  This should have been a life lesson for her, but sadly she did not learn it.

I am mad that my life plan for her is not coming to fruition.  I am mad that she cannot see that she has so much to offer.  I am mad that she always chooses to take the long road when the short road would be easier.  Selfishly and admittedly unrealistically, I am mad because I have lost control.

But, I am not sad.  Not anymore.

 

I have to say that my daughter has come a very long way since the beginning of this epic journey and the light is shining for her in the distance…you can even see it if you squint now. 

During this Christmas season, she texted the one that brings her so much strife, but she did not see him.  This is a big step in the right direction.

She has chosen to put some distance between herself and all that is difficult for her.  This is a big step in the right direction.

She is not using chemicals, and she has not for quite sometime.  This may be the biggest step in the right direction.

She genuinely misses her son when she is not with him.  He lovingly calls her “Mommy” which was not the case for a period of time.  This is a big step in the right direction.

 

And, joyfully I report that she is opening her heart to love me again. 

 

We truly had a magical Christmas this year.  We went to church, the three of us.  I thanked God for lifting me up instead of throwing me down, as I always knew He would.

The music is playing again.  The St. Olaf Choir and all that is John Rutter are back in my living room and in my heart.  And, sometimes, I even sing. 

Sometimes the Light surprises the Christian when she sleeps….

God is good.  Welcome to 2014.

I Little Christmas Blog...Minus the Egg Nog

Merry Christmas from our house to your house!  Things have been a little out of control lately.  But tonight, instead of putting in my thousandth hour of studying, I have the sudden urge to blog.  So, here goes.

My daughter has entered the full-time workforce and is taking the mail room in stride.  She has figured out that college may be a fine alternative to opening mail for the rest of her life, but at the same time, she has also figured out that a solid income is a good thing.  However, it does not come without it's bumps. Growing up is hard to do and letting go and allowing your child to make mistakes may be even harder.  In my next life, I am going to write a book about how it may be a good idea to not allow any living person to have access to their own money until they are much older than 18.  Heck, I have a difficult time with money-management and I am much older than 18.   Much older.

And, juggling one's income when one also has a child to raise is even harder.  She would tell you that there is a certain kind of pride in helping to make your own way in this world, and I truly believe that she is striving for that.  But, as I predicted, she had NO IDEA how expensive children really are, and frankly, I think it is eye-popping for her.  Now, I do believe that this is a good thing, but alarming, and somewhat depressing, none-the-less.  And, to be totally honest, I appreciate the fact that she can help a bit.  My budget took a hit this year, and there is no getting around that.  If not for the help of our family....well, we are not going to think about that.  For some reason, Christmas brings out the appreciation for the people who we love the most, and for us, this Christmas brings it out even more.

Brady is awesome and is growing every day.  He had to go to Mayo to see about his somewhat pigeon-toed stance, and it was officially certified by no less than three doctors that he is advanced in motion department.  Our 8 month old bundle is crawling like a champ, standing up to things, and even letting go for about 5 seconds at a time before he falls over.  And, his little pigeon-toed issue is already better and going away every day.  The doctors told us to come back if he is not better by the time he is four....
They said that there was no-doubt that he would be an early walker....not something that is required, by any means.  He just LOVES anything that he should not be into, especially if it is breakable, and he is already starting to give the little "look" when he knows he should not be pulling that ornament off of the tree, or pulling the "pretty" off of the end table.  If he did not have dimples, he may be in trouble.  He also stands in the crib and says, "Mum...Mum...Mum...and Ga..Ga..Ga."  I am Ga...I will take it. 

All Braden wants for Christmas is his two bottom teeth and a box of Cheerios.  He sure is trying.   Oh, did I mention that he is the 95th percentile for height and weight.  At this rate, he will pass up his Mommy at about age 2. 

To say that we are sitting in a different place this year than we were last year would be the understatement of the century.  However, I do have to say, there are not words to describe how much better it is....I had no idea how much our lives would change...  When I adopted my daughter, I could not imagine anything that would ever be as wonderful. Then came Brady. Every mountain that we have to climb, every lesson that we have to learn the hard way, every dollar that is spend, every sleepless hour, every worry, and every sacrifice brings us back to Brady.  And brings me home to my daughter.

What a gift we have been given!  God is Good!  Merry Christmas!

Schools Out....til next year

I feel like someone keeps making me jump into the ice bath, then crawl into the sauna.  My conflicting emotions today are overwhelming.  We are on the countdown.  My daughter is done with high school. Tomorrow, she has completed a 13-year chapter in her life.  I am so very proud, and so very sad, all at the same time.  I know it is the right thing for her to be done three quarters early, and I know that her working for a couple of months, then starting college early is the good and right thing to do, but  the Mommy part of me is very, very sad.  Believe-it-or-not, I am not ready for all of this maturity.

She is terrified.  Of course, she is not admitting it, but she is, and I know it.  The reality of adulthood has enveloped her and she is scared.  Sometimes fright is not a bad thing.

As fate would have it, I have worked to get her a temporary job at my work.  The requirements are that she be 18 years old, and a high school graduate.  Se interviews for a full-time job on Monday. She will be working full-time for about two months, even with the opportunity for over-time.  There will be no rest for the weary.  I personally hope that they work her so hard and she gets so frustrated that she appreciates that in order to move on to better things, she needs to buckle down and take college seriously. 

However, I was young once too.  (I kind of remember it….tee hee)  Moving into this next chapter will bring adventures and stumbling blocks and anyone who thinks otherwise is silly.  Personally, I changed my major four times before I graduated with a Social Work degree, and one would argue that I maybe should have made one more change.  I know that the future will be interesting for my daughter.  Heck, the past and current have been interesting, so why would that stop now.  However, I also know that as corny as it sounds, I love and appreciate her more and more every day.  She has been a challenge to parent, but also a delight.  She has allowed me to experience so many things that I would not have otherwise experienced, and I have been able to appreciate them through her eyes, which has been a real adventure at times.  I have had my best times, and my worst times with her by my side. 

She is an excellent mother.  It is such a delight to watch a young, energetic and spry young Mommy crawl on the floor and play with her increasingly mobile son.  He will so appreciate her youth.  I envision a future with lots of activity, and she cannot wait to be the parent that volunteers to coach his teams.  He delights in her every move and is at the place where he is not at all happy if she even leaves the room for a minute. 

I need to thank Nerstrand Elementary, Faribault Middle School, Faribault High School, and the Area Learning Center for making my daughter’s education possible.  She had a fantastic start as a member of the inaugural Kindergarten class at the Nerstrand Charter School.  Nerstrand nurtured her and offered an elementary education that could not have been surpassed.  Faribault Middle and High School allowed her to transition and to exercise her athletic abilities, which kept her happy throughout her adolescence. And, finally, the ALC, which picked her up when she was most vulnerable, and allowed her to make her own path.  Education is what you make of it as a student, and even though it is a known fact that there are always room for improvements in the education system, a lot of things were done right also.

Letting go is a difficult thing.  But being able to watch the transformation to independence is beautiful.

CONGRATS FALCON FOOTBALL!!!  We may have gained an early graduate, but we did not lose a Pep Band player!!!!

C.H. Moments

As most of you know, my daughter is adopted.  She was born in Russia and spent the first two and one-half years of her life in an orphanage.  She did the best that she could in a dark, musty building in the middle of a pretty big city surrounded by 23 of her best friends.  She lived for the 20 minutes on the hour potty training, and the borsht and bread meals.   We spent almost a month trying to convince the staff and government that we truly did love these children when we got home and we did not sell their body parts...really, the concept of unconditional love and acceptance was not understood, by many, many people we encountered. 

A side-effect of this phenomenon for me was the invention of the "C.H. Moment."  This is the "if the Children's Home could see me now" Moment.  The "C.H. Moment" can best be described as the instances that occurred throughout my daughter's life that literally stopped time for me.  I would watch her doing the things that she loved - sports, playing, being with her family and friends, and something that I cannot describe would come over me.  I would imagine what it would be like if I could stop time and show those people who did not understand....the gift that I was given.  And, I wanted them to see that she was thriving, with most of her body parts (and, just for the record, I did not sell the ones that are missing...quite on the contrary).  "C.H. Moments" would come at the oddest times....in the middle of a swim race, when she was dribbling the basketball down the court, when she was jumping on the trampoline, when she drove out of the driveway in her car for the first time, and even when she ran into the house with a good report card.  The moments jumped out during those pivotal times in her life...baptism, confirmation, 5th grade graduation, and even her first day of high school.  But they come every day too.

Truthfully, I have not thought about "C.H. Moments" for a very long time.  I think the emotional struggles of the past year put that whole thought process away for awhile.  I did talk to the adoption agency when my daughter was about six months pregnant and I was somewhat surprised to hear that teenage pregnancy is not uncommon with adopted children.  It seems that that issue of reaching for someone who is truly bound to you by blood is something that is sought by many.  And, even though I am convinced that this was not the factor that took my daughter to this place, I do believe that it was a part of the picture. 

Three weeks ago, the thought of "C.H. Moments"  came rushing back.  My daughter made the decision to quit swimming, and believe-it-or-not, it was a big deal for both of us.  Many "C.H. Moments" came out of swimming.  In her prime, she loved it.  She thrived on the camaraderie....and so did I.  She tried to like it, but from the beginning of practice until the end, she looked at the clock and wanted to leave.  She started to chose not to attend practice, and she was not regretful - only sad that she did not miss it.   For me, it was one more thing that had to change....and end.  There were lots of tears.

Today when I came home from work, my daughter was sitting doing her online Math class, while talking to Brady, who was chatting away in the exersaucer.  She kept making him giggle and he was just grinning from ear to ear.....I had a GIANT "C.H. Moment!"

Cold, Early Morning Revelations

Last night I woke up at about 3 am to a cold house.  My maternal instincts kicked me and before I knew what I was doing, or even before I woke up, I was in the bedroom covering up my baby…I hope she warmed up. 
Oh… I covered up her baby too.

I have wondered about this moment for the last 16 years - the moment when I would be getting her ready for her senior year of high school.  We would be preparing for a future that would include the “last” of everything high school - the last homecoming game, the last Sadie Hawkins Dance, the last prom, the last band concert, the last high school final and finally…graduation.  And, as I stood in the middle of her bedroom at 3:00 this morning I figured out something…it is here and even though it is very different than I could have ever imagined it to be, it is still here. 

We are still in the midst of planning for a future that will not always include me. 

This life is certainly an adventure and a constant learning experience. My daughter made a very deliberate decision to go out for swimming this fall, then a week later, she made equally as deliberate a decision to quit.  Essentially, she decided that she just did not have fun with it anymore.  And, in the end, it was much harder on me than it was on her, which only proves that it was the right decision.  I still have to work through this new normal....we both do.  I took it hard, but that may be because it was one of the first things that I had to check off of that senior year checklist.....

In the midst of the trauma, yes I said trauma, of re-living the events of one year ago, I was slapped with a real and profound moment while standing in the middle of her bedroom looking over the crib. I could not imagine one minute without that little round-headed, thumb-sucking boy who is an absolute image of his mother.   Therefore, standing in a chilly house at 3 in the morning, I finally gave myself a little break. 

I have a Mild Case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I fear

I am suffering the PSTD.  One year ago my life changed so dramatically that even though I was very aware that I was going through it, I was not able to deal with all of the emotions that went along with it.  It is so very hard to explain, but having your life turn upside down in a matter of a few minutes can drastically alter one's psyche for quite a long time. 

I have tried really hard to take all of this one emotion at a time.  I was sad, then scared, then sad again, then scared, then a bit excited, then resolved, then scared again, then happy, then scared....well you get the picture.  It was not a death, but my life was in critical condition for a bit of time.  And, like in a the situation with a death, marking the one year anniversary is proving to be kind of trying for me.  And, I have to say, that for the first time since this all happened, this may be all about me - and that in itself is kind of altering.

My daughter is trying to replay her normal activities, and capture that "last hurrah" that her Senior Year in high school should bring.  She is back in the pool, getting ready for her first band practice, reading over her schedule and making plans for the year.  EXCEPT, she is also arranging childcare, worrying about missing her son, and finding out that she is never going to be looked at the same again, and things are never going to go back to how they were, and her normal is not going to match any one's normal....and maybe that is alright.  Bless her heart, she is coping.

I am sad.  And I don't know if it is because she is a Senior and inevitably she will grow up and go on, or if it is because I see her struggling to fit into a place that is so different for her now, even though it has not changed....she has.  And, like all parents, I really hate to see her disappointed.  And, she is disappointed right now for reasons that are silly, yet important to her (and therefore to me).  For you see, something that she has dreamed about since 7th grade passed her by and she really feels like she is being punished for her transgressions.  She is too upset to ask questions, but instead she is sad.  And, even though she is grown up and I try so hard to have her fight her own battles, I stepped in, one last time, and I fear that I will be more sad before it is over.  But, it will be better to have her know the truth.   And, it will be better to go on after that....

I am sure that like all of life's issues, I will get through this, and like the actions of the last year, good may even come out of this.  But I do have to say that re-living the nightmare is not all that fun.  The PSTD can take the exit anytime because really, we are doing fine.

Class of 2012....Part One

The times they are a-changing.  What a journey this has proven to be.  And, I don’t know if the fact that we are approaching the one-year anniversary of the dam breaking in our family, or if I am just having issues with the fact that my daughter is becoming an adult, but my anxiety-level is on high right now.  This whole thing is so much more complicated than I ever thought possible….how does one hold on to their dreams, while having to re-write the map to the dreams?  Are they my dreams, or her dreams? How can she accomplish this? How can I help her to accomplish this? Does she want to accomplish this? How does Brady fit into this?  How much do I let go? How much do I hang on?  CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! 

We went to school to sign her up for classes for her senior year, only to discover that she has less than 2 credits left to complete, and she is done.  This calculates to four classes for one quarter.  Or, in her case, 2 classes for one quarter and 2 classes for one semester.  Then she is done with high school. The end – Amen. 

Statistically, she should be behind.   Most teenaged mothers put themselves back at least one semester, and usually one year, in school when they become pregnant prior to their senior year of high school.  Statistically, most teen-aged mothers don’t complete high school and ultimately either obtain a GED or do not finish.  But, if there is one thing that is to be learned from my daughter, it is this….she is not a statistic.  If there is a backwards, up-a-rope and down-a-building, in-a-window and out-a-door-way to accomplish something, she will surely go for it.  Come to find out, all that summer school and her absolute love of Independent Study put her ahead when she was out having a baby. And, the topping of the cupcake…she passed her math MCA while she was actually in labor - only my daughter could accomplish such a feat….

So, what do we do?  WHAT DO WE DO?  Academically she may be ready for high school to be over, but socially, she may not be ready for high school to be over.  And, as I have preached in this blog since the beginning, I WANT HER TO HAVE A SENIOR YEAR. So, she and I have picked it apart and put it back together again….again…and again. 

I gave her the decision about swimming.  For the very first time in her short life, I left it up to her, with the only advice from me being to not leave any regrets out there.  So, after many, many weeks of thinking about it and not thinking about it, and worrying about her body, and her ability to be social with the other girls, and most importantly her time away from Brady… she has decided to TRY swimming.  She is committed to the 1/3 of the season where she can participate and still get her money back if she decides that it is too much time away from her real world.  She is happy with her decision and I am ecstatic…but that is beside the point. 

And as for that time when she is done with her high school credits?  Well, how about a little college?  Yes, she is going to enter the world of a college freshman in January - one semester ahead of her peers.  Yes, I said AHEAD. 

You will not find this life plan outlined in “How to” Books, but who knows, we may be writing our own book…. I am just along for the ride.