My life took a U-turn. I am now a single grandmother, of a beautiful 2 and ½ year old boy. He is the light and life of my life. I am the luckiest person on earth for having
this opportunity, but the journey has not been easy. In fact, it has been the journey of my
life. I have two children, 18 years
apart, and both of them have their own needs and both of them need my love and
support, equally. Sometimes, I am not
sure if I can contain what is inside of me.
But finding what was inside of me was a journey. A real journey.
Anyone who knows me well knows that
one of the greater joys that I experience is music. Not just any music, but beautiful harmonies
that explode, especially during Christmas.
I cannot get through a choral selection of anything Christmas without
having to stop and just soak it all in. For me, it is my faith set to music. It enlightens every part of me.
Last Christmas, the music stopped,
and so with it, for just a bit, did my faith.
My daughter made some life decisions
that were horrific for her, and unimaginable for her son. Therefore, I had to make some life decisions
that were the most difficult of my life, but the best for both of them. With a very strong and supportive family by
my side, and a lot of wisdom from my missing family member in my heart, I took
a hold and took legal, permanent custody of my grandson. At the time he was a very young 14 months
old. He had been away from me precisely
5 weeks, on and off, and that was more than long enough. The love of my life, my daughter, was sinking
into a deep hole of chemicals and dependence on someone who was controlling and
as difficult as this is for me to say, he was and is evil. The baby was suffering. At the time that I took emergency custody, she
was not even sure where he was. I
received in my arms in the lobby of a Law Enforcement Center, a very confused,
very mosquito bitten and sunburned baby with a fever. He clung to me like no other. It was
unfathomable.
She wanted so much to be loved by
this man, and to have that family out of a picture book that she went
completely under this man’s control. She
stole for him, used chemicals with him and for him, and completed other acts
that I can only imagine. She even turned
her greatest gift over to him – her son. Even though he had no rights and no
means to support or care for the baby. As independent as she is, she puts that
all aside when she is with this man or talks about him. It is the saddest thing I have ever
experienced. And the saddest thing in my
entire life was for me to realize that my love for her was not enough, even
though I have no more love to give her….she has it all.
Her son’s love was not enough
either. As much as she loves her son, and she does love him, she cannot see
past the picture in her mind that does not exist. And the minute, she starts to see a bit of
the light, she gets reeled back in.
People tell me that it will take time.
I just hope that it is not too late.
The evil man will always be a part of our lives, but I am here to say
that he will not have a part of the making of the man that my Grandson will
become. Not ever.
So, my faith was rocked. I mean it was literally shaken into tiny
granules that almost blew away. I could
not understand how the same God who brought me so much joy 18 years ago when He
brought me to my daughter could allow this to happen to my family. I thought that I took the teenaged pregnancy
so gracefully (well somewhat gracefully) that I had experienced enough. I was mad and not just a little mad. I was furious! I remember sitting in church last Christmas
and making a promise to God that I would walk away and accept the fact that I
could not handle all of this Christianity if he would just perform one last act
and put some joy back into my heart. I
know, I know, it does not make sense, but I was not in a place to make
sense. I was willing to walk away from
my foundation in order to find my foundation.
I think I found the bottom of the barrel of sadness. I really do.
When the music stopped….
Just then, something happened to
me. Instead of being sad, I awoke one
morning and discovered that I was mad.
Really mad. Now, some people,
including me, attributed this to “that time of life…” but I am here to say that
it was about “that time of life….awakening.” I woke up and realized that the only thing
making me so sad was me. I could choose
to be sad when ever I was disappointed with my daughter or I could do what
turned out to be healthier, and be angry.
I was mad, really mad, and I still am.
I have come to the conclusion that I did the very best that I could do
to provide her with a loving, caring family and home that offered her
everything she needed to succeed. I
still provide that for her, if she chooses to take it. I did not provide a father for her, which I
believe she always wanted. But the right
man has not come around yet, and I chose not to pick the wrong man, even when
given the opportunity. I stand by that
conviction. This should have been a life
lesson for her, but sadly she did not learn it.
I am mad that my life plan for her
is not coming to fruition. I am mad that
she cannot see that she has so much to offer.
I am mad that she always chooses to take the long road when the short
road would be easier. Selfishly and
admittedly unrealistically, I am mad because I have lost control.
But, I am not sad. Not anymore.
I have to say that my daughter has
come a very long way since the beginning of this epic journey and the light is
shining for her in the distance…you can even see it if you squint now.
During this Christmas season, she
texted the one that brings her so much strife, but she did not see him. This is a big step in the right direction.
She has chosen to put some distance between herself and all that is
difficult for her. This is a big step in
the right direction.
She is not using chemicals, and she has not for quite sometime. This may be the biggest step in the right
direction.
She genuinely misses her son when she
is not with him. He lovingly calls her
“Mommy” which was not the case for a period of time. This is a big step in the right direction.
And, joyfully I report that she is
opening her heart to love me again.
We truly had a magical Christmas
this year. We went to church, the three
of us. I thanked God for lifting me up
instead of throwing me down, as I always knew He would.
The music is playing again. The St. Olaf Choir and all that is John
Rutter are back in my living room and in my heart. And, sometimes, I even sing.
Sometimes the Light surprises the
Christian when she sleeps….
God is good. Welcome to 2014.
